Not really, no.
Doctor said it was clear something had happened, but it was not trackable or replicable and since I was then fine she was going to conclude that it was a side effect of the decline. And I am going to see my own doctor next week.
I hope to be able to get a full night's sleep again soon...
(When I moved here 25 years ago people played frisbee on the grassy Mall at lunch time, and on July 4 everyone who wanted could simply lie on the grass by the Washington Monument and the mall and watch the fireworks explode overhead, without security checks, without iron gates, without listening devices aimed at the crowd.)
And I am looking forward to having coffee again, and a good burger. Not that I couldn't have had a good burger already, but we have not had any inhouse to cook, just birdy things. Lots of chicken. And lots of fish. I don't think I will sprout pinfeathers or scales, though.
Still the quiet lake.
Add to the list of things that I would like: a pair of jeans that I ordered from Duluth Trading and sent back for exchange because they were too big. I'd like the new ones. :) Any time now.
But these things will come, eventually.
I am not looking forward, particularly, to Early Voting later this week -- if only because of the horde of politicos shilling for their candidates outside the building where the polls take place. I have never been comfortable walking through that kind of crowd, even when I was a reporter. But I think it will be all right.
My assumption is that, as an organization, it had developed a budget based on operating costs and plans for expansion/enrichment and used that to set fundraising targets.
And so, I naively assumed, that when Ao3 was fundraising for $ 70k, the number was developed in a similar fashion. I assumed they had costed out the new servers and other organizational expenses.
Ao3 and OTW met its target in 2 days! Yay!
So now, instead of a heartfelt thank-you, the target has moved. Now they would like $100k.
So, what do they want another 30k for?
How, specifically, would those 'extra' monies be allocated?
It's certainly not stated on the mysteriously-expanded fundraising banner.
(Edited to add: I also went to the OTW and searched under "budget," "financial report" "board meeting minutes"--I went back to only to June, I admit, I searched also"strategic planning," and "fundraising" in search of this information.
If the information is somewhere on the OTW website, I sure couldn't find it.)
Let me be clear that I am a user of Ao3 and delight in the service.
But it isn't being run out of some 19 year-old's garage, it's a real organization with a professional board, and this moving target comes across as kind of skeevy.
Maybe, behind the scenes, the plan and budget is laid out. But it sure isn't being communicated.
I'm really disappointed. And, you know, rethinking my plans for donation come payday.
Astronauts on the International Space Station never wash their underwear. They don't have enough water at their disposal to waste on a luxury like that. Instead, they fling the dirty laundry out into space. As it falls to Earth, it burns up in the atmosphere. I wish you had an amenity like that right now. In fact, I wish you had a host of amenities like that. If there was ever a time when you should be liberated from having to wash your underwear, make your bed, sweep the floor, and do the dishes, it would be now. Why? Because there are much better ways to spend your time. You've got sacred quests to embark on, heroic adventures to accomplish, historical turning points to initiate.
Many years ago, a friend from Clan MacColin observed to me that one of the reasons that the Jews and the Scots get along together so well is that both groups are cheap. I just this morning had the comeback pop into my head, "Yes, we can even laugh at both groups with a single joke!"
"I don't just pass the pencil test- I pass the scarf test."
 A Renaissance era reenactment group portraying a Scottish clan.
October 22 Sonoma State University Schultz Quad 12:00 Noon-1:00 Andy Lopez, Age — 13 Music—Sky I – Can’t Blame the Youth – Song for Andy Lopez Speakers: SSU Faculty—Tim Wandling, Francisco Vasquez, Peter Phillips, Janet Hess, Amanda Martinez-Morrison Ron Lopez, Greg Sarris Sonoma County Community—Susan Lamont, Miguel Molina, Jonathan Melrod SSU Students—Shelby Wade, Rio […]
The post Memorial Rally for Andy Lopez and the National Day to End Police Brutality appeared first on Project Censored.
Still by the shore of the quiet deep lake in the mountains, Saranac Lake, which has not been plumbed (or plumbered, though one may plummet into it from a height and go down a long long way.)
Awakened from sleep and lay in the dark feeling sensations move through me -- today, like the grain of fine wood. As if finely shaved planes of wood were moving through me and I could feel the little wavers of graining. Like being in a certain kind of snowstorm, in very cold weather, the sensation of very fine pellets hitting the skin -- except this is inside, not out, and it is not cold or numbing.
Today's sunrise is quieter and azure rather than the crimson-salmon wildness of yesterday, but no less dear. It is not yet up; I can listen to the turning of the world as birds start, one by one, and crickets, and the gears shift on the Beltway. The Beltway, the bane of my life here, has become simply another sound of life, a sign of movement, the flow of energy.
And the burden of fear is still gone. I think I have carried it all my life, even before birth, because I was that last chance pregnancy after a long string of miscarriages. There was always fear that I would not, could not, be enough--but with the expectations layered onto me by others and perforce adopted, Jesus could not have been enough. Now that is all gone.
gone gone completely gone all the way, in a stroke of lightning.
I am thinking that some of Gretel Erlich's A Match to the Heart would feel very familiar now. She was in pain after being struck by lightning; I am not. But the flow of sensations, the sense of observing what is happening in and around the body without attempting to control that which cannot be controlled is there.
Y'all need to go to YouTube right now and see this video.
( edited to add that I really can't get the embed to work, either)
This video is amazing on so many levels.
First level, the way it presents a constructed reality completely at odds with the song lyric.
A song that is on the face of it about drinking and partying as a coping mechanism for personal pain( to the extent that it even includes a drinking game chant in the lyric ) is transformed into a an anthem about the persistence of hope and imagination in the most squalid of circumstances.
More specifically, it discusses how girls hold onto their dreams in a reality that offers them no support, but also, how even our most ambitious childhood aspirations ( as girls and women) include an element of performing for and seeking approval from an imaginary audience.
Even more amazing:
It does this all through dance. Really, really good dance.
Performed by one dancer. Who is eleven years old.
The video is one dancer, dancing powerfully.
And really, I could go on and on about how the costuming of the dancer tells its own story: how the dancer is both a stand-in for the singer, is clearly a girl but the dance is pushing back against performative femininity (except perhaps in the closing shot.)
There's a whole other level of meta-commentary,less intentional, perhaps, involving the selection and use of this particular dancer for this video.
The dancer (who is, by the way absolutely brilliant in her dancing: angry, lonely ,whimsical, desperate, athletic)
Is a reality star in a show that glorifies and rewards a dance style that evokes ' beauty' and typical femininity.
So a feminine and conformist reality star is cast in a role that pushes, hard, against femininity and conformity, but ends with an acknowledgment of how pervasive an oppression needing to perform is.
The whole thing is brilliant.
First, I started working on the pleather hoodie I'd cut out ... sometime earlier. I don't remember now. ( Pleather Hoodie )
Next I moved on to finally using some old stash lace, more orphaned table dressings from my vending days, to make a dress. Well, an over-dress, and I already have a slip from a similar store-bought dress to go under it. I used Butterick 4827, but without interfacing, facings, or the back lacing bits. I figured lace is the ultimate woven/knit and I'd be able to pull it over my head. I was right, yay! Also shortened it a bit in the back b/c I didn't need a train for the look I wanted. I certainly didn't have enough fabric for the whole proper pattern, and the lace kept changing its width as I was measuring it. Everything still came out OK.
( Lace dress )
That was all Saturday night, decided not to start the next piece until Sunday afternoon so I could sleep and recuperate. B/c I wanted to turn my b'day silk and silk/rayon velvet pieces into a thing, and I didn't want to screw it up.
( Silk Velvet Kinda-Kimono )
Did one more little thing as my brain was slowly melting from all the strain. Got some pleather (matte black lame knit) from an older project (Nav's pants) and made some fingerless gloves. Not thumbless tho. Interesting pattern, very quick, I think I will use this on a lot more scraps in the future. Not to mention, more gloves at work = yay b/c the heat won't work all winter :-P
( Pleather gloves )
And here's the complete outfit for Accord on 11/1:
( Wolfie Goth Girl )
Didn't realize as I was planning in my head how much I'd look like a Nazgul. That's not a bad Gothmass costume for a Bone Shadow, tho. Lol.
I also have pics of the ongoing pleather backpack project, but I'll post all of those when its finished. Which still may not be for a while b/c its an annoying project :-P
So, the new total of Things:
Sewing projects: 4
... And that's it.
That's kinda far from where I wanted to be. Oh well.
Since I last posted, I was well enough to do all the MES games I'm in the following weekend, and then Wednesday the following week I got smacked by another sinus infection. That's the fourth in four months. And I was sick until Tuesday the following week, and HR still hasn't processed my time off. My houseguest still came in, and I wasn't about to turn her out at the last minute, and she was very nice about the whole thing. I didn't sleep well all weekend, but that was definitely the fault of my jerky loud neighbors and not my wonderful houseguest. So I'm OK to have more of those in the future, I just hope I won't be sick next time. *sigh*
In other words, another two weekends of not finishing all-the-chores before the work week returned. Bad grownup.
By the time I saw my allergist I was getting better, so she wouldn't give me antibiotics (tho I suspect this is taking up permanent, recursive residence in my insides), but if it comes back I can ask her immediately to dose me. She did give me a new regular allergy rx to help with this new repeating problem, and so far it seems to be helping.
Ended up selling my NYCC pass for Saturday to a friend, so at least that's some $$ I can spend on Arisia instead. I'm not really that into NYCC but was looking forward to cosplaying with friends and seeing lots of geekiness, sampling BPALs, etc. But I didn't want to force myself to go while sick, and ironically DCon is a better deal for the sick person. More sit-down entertainment (panels, screenings, music), sleeping quarters right upstairs of con, and a drugstore on the premises. Oh well, I guess *next* year will be the year I try really hard to like NYCC. I'd finished my B5 cosplay and everything :-(
Hopefully I'm not sick for Arisia (I can deal with being sick afterwards), and I've finally got all my arrangements made for that except roommates. But b/c I stalled out for too long, I missed the main-hotel room block. Oh well. I can still eat in the main hotel, the overflow hotel has zero gf nomming options.
And since then... not much going on. Got sick again, recuperated again, felt very cranky and stuck about my life. Cuz I don't do a whole lot more with it when I'm *not* too sick to go to work. But last week, once I was able to return to work on Wednesday, I went to MES downtimes and ended up doing lots of plot-fixing until 11pm (whups). And then I declared Nerd NYC's boardgame nite to be a Social for MES ppl, and while only one other Cammie showed up it was still fun.
Still on the Strattera, and now I'm at the 'full' pediatric dose of 60mg per day. I'm not really noticing any improvements but also not getting worse. Still not sure if the sleep probs are medical or seasonal (four months of allergies not helping :-P). So I'm willing to give it another few weeks before I declare it a fail. I really don't want to try the stronger meds. Need to work harder on catching up on teh sleeps to make sure its not a side effect.
Part of why I forced myself to be social last week was a) missing my geek-out dose from con, and b) I'd be in for the following weekend. I'm still not really catching up on making Things for my challenge, but this weekend I made some progress through my glut of sewing projects. All for the next NYC MES weekend of games, Halloween weekend. I'll make a separate post of that. It feels like I didn't do much now, but that's probably b/c my brain crashed after the double sewing marathon. I ordered more fabric b/c I'm a sucker for sales, but it was stuff I'd already swatched for more insurance-clothes against working in an unheated office all winter. A nice red flannel and a nice blue flannel. And new machine needles cuz I keep breaking them. Oops.
Nothing really planned for the coming week, at least not out of the house. I'd like to continue working on sewing projects, might cut out a bunch all at once and then gradually sew thru them so I don't have to worry about not having the craft table for another week (laundry + moar houseguests). I also still need to work on the polymer clay bits for my Lost costume, as I have either bought or ordered (or already have) all the other pieces. Some of them are kinda big, or might need big armatures/guides for baking, so I'll probably just suck it up and put them in the big oven. Doing that once in a while won't kill me.
For the weekend, there's nothing on the calendar except an Accord game on IRC, maybe, but I'm already at xp cap for the month. Might go out? Or maybe I'll finally get back to the Magnet on Wednesday or Thursday if I'm not relapsing. Or I could just work on more sewing projects cuz THE HEAT WILL NEVER EVER WORK IN MY OFFICE AGAIN. So I need more jackets and sweaters :-P
In therapy today I rehashed how I forget to call ppl to just go out to things I want to attend. But checking the internets today, Court of Lazarus was last night, and Secret Speakeasy is skipping the next 4th Sunday to have a post-Halloween party, and nope too much for me that weekend already. The 25th is Wits End, and now I have several pretty things to wear to it, so Ima see who wants to go. And probably invite some ppl directly b/c ppl rarely answer a FB wall post.
Apparently Thursday is supposed to be some big astrological whosawhatzit. Yay? I haven't done a tarot forecast in weeks, until last night, here's what I have to look forward to:( Tarot! Pics! )
After so many years, though, I look at the listings and think, "Did that, did that, did that, not doing that again..." Some stories don't need retelling.
But I am always excited at the possibilities of something new.
We have all known the long loneliness and we have learned that the only solution is love and that love comes with community.
I awoke this morning as if I were a tree with the wind blowing through my leaves, or a fringe curtain moved by a breeze. Nobody knows where the wind comes from or where it goes, but it moves through on its own business. It was diagonal, from my right shoulder on down and across.
The squirrels are gone. Robin Williams has gone, except for leaving an album and a book or two on a small table. The table is sitting on the shore of Saranac Lake in the Adirondacks. Saranack is long and narrow -- like Loch Ness -- and deep. Very deep. Perhaps the work has been done since I was in college, but when I was, I was told that nobody had actually plumbed the depth of Saranack yet; it was deeper than Lake Superior. Nobody knew what was down there. This lake is very calm, only tiny riffles at the surface from breeze. The air is fresh, the pine trees are deep green, and the colors of the others are brilliant, but they do not reflect in this lake. This lake only shows the sky, and the changing patterns of cloud and stars and moon.
I both am and am not my body.
Friends have sent messages of support, including many from my Meeting. One Friend sent a chicken and a bag of books ("keep them, give them away, whatever") via her husband. The bag of random books contains three that I have been looking for, one of them for years.
The SU went to the Farmers Market and brought me back sweet peppers and a lunch from Panera. And himself, which is a wonderful gift.
Beautiful runs to greet me, purring, and lets me use the Furminator on her and stretches and purrs. Jenny comes to sit by me, her purr saying, "I don't know what is happening but I am here for you and with you."
And I have all of you. I am rich in community.
(When Teresa of Avila was about the age I am, she was traveling by oxcart, from one of her community's houses to the next, and was thrown out of the cart into a flooding river. She broke her arm, not surprising after about 20 years of poor eating (the sisters came close to starvation at times in their earlier days) making her bones a bit fragile, and then had to endure having that arm set without anesthetic. She told them to go ahead and held still. In years afterward, she said she would not have missed the experience. I may say the same in the future, of this time. But I am glad my bones are stronger.)
It's always kind of great to find a book that speaks to your own experience - of being young and awkward and bored at the Kingdom Hall, let's say - but perhaps even more so when it comes from a place you never expected.
"'Religion' means faith in the supernatural, does it not? Most Orcans, like most Aeneans everywhere, do have that kind of faith. They maintain a God exists, and observe different ceremonies and injunctions on that account. If they have any sophistication, however, they admit their belief is nonscientific. It is not subject to empirical confirmation or disconfirmation, Miracles may have happened through divine intervention; but a miracle, by definition, involves a suspension of natural law hence cannot be experimentally repeated. Aye, its historical trugh or falsity can be indirectly investigated. But the confirmation of an event proves nothing, since it could be explained away scientifically. For example, if we could show that there was in fact a Jesus Christ who did in fact rise from his tomb, he may have been in a coma, not dead. Likewise, disconfirmation proves nothing. For example, if it turns out that a given saint never lived, that merely shows people were naïve, not that the basic creed is wrong." -- Commander Yakow, in The Day of Their Return by Poul Anderson (1973, Nelson Doubleday, New York)
They will stand beside you
When all things are good.
And in the times when things are bad
Beside you they have stood.
They always tell the truth to you
As every good friend must
And they are reliable:
Friends you always trust.
They never will say nasty things
About the clothes you wear
They'll stand up for you against others
When you're not there.
You can always trust your friends
To hold your place in queues.
They'll always tell you "You played well",
Even if you lose.
Always keeping by your side:
Friendship never ends.
Yet, after all, we're only human:
Who has friends?
This episode takes a look at the history of the Free Thought movement in the U-S, from its roots in the time of independence to its resurgence during the post-Civil War years. The struggle between freethinkers and conservative religious forces played out on several fronts, including efforts to restrict what publications could be sent through the U-S […]
Writing is a thing that takes time and also emotional energy.
"I have no time or emotional energy so I'm just going to feel awful about not writing" is not the best thing for me to be doing to myself here.
(This is a temporary thing, hopefully, and I'll be back on by Friday-ish, hopefully)
Brief life update: expecting an offer very soon for a job I think would be super-fun, arms mostly doing better with brief flashes of suck, back pain flared in early October but better now. I am basically on the mend physically and emotionally. Which is good because the coming week is a massive Board/staff strategic planning session and I will need all my energy for that.
But I am posting to talk about (gasp) fannish things!
I am not actively vidding right now, but last month I did finally get some clips on the timeline for a project I've been thinking about for SEVEN YEARS. It's going well! But I had to put it aside when the jobhunt became all-consuming. I am also helping to steer a collab while jetpack_monkey does the heavy lifting, bless him.
Alas, I can't commit to Festivids this year, and I have all kinds of sad about it. But I will be eagerly imbibing all of your conversation about it, to say nothing of the vids themselves. (:
Still watching, but actively annoyed by it these days. I adore Peter Capaldi, and I really like what he's doing with the character physically, but I feel like Moffat is trying to turn him into Sherlock. DO NOT WANT. All incarnations of the Doctor have been more or less arrogant and snarky, but (with the possible exception of Six) it was still easy to see why you'd want to hang out with them. This guy is an asshole. I realize that's the show arc this season for some reason, and he's going to be redeemed by the True Meaning of Christmas, but frankly I don't tune in for that kind of nonsense.
So what's giving me glee these days?
Star Trek: Voyager
I never actually watched it when it came out! And after having gone through TNG and DS9 in the last year, I realized that having a bunch of seasons of new-to-me Trek was like the best birthday present ever. I'm halfway through S2, show quality is middling with flashes of brilliance (and occasional boatloads of suck), but I am having A GREAT TIME. I didn't fully realize how much the women on this show were going to delight me, but the mere fact of Captain Janeway still makes me ridiculously happy. Whenever I hear a woman's voice at the top of the show saying "Captain's log," I get positively giddy. Speaking of voices, I also really like Kes, in spite of my better judgment, and her voice is captivating. Chills, people. Where do I get a voice like that?
And on this show, this snarky Doctor is Just Fine With Me. ::hearts him::
I realized the other day that I was going to want to read ST:VOY fic, but all my friends wrote Paris/Kim back in the day. That is not my inclination, so if you have recs for het or femslash, bring it. Especially if it won't spoil me. (:
And what am I rewatching?
Parks and Recreation
P. and I are sharing it with friends who haven't seen it. I am falling in love all over again with the show's idealism and the powerhouse of awesome that is Leslie Knope. We just watched the ep where Chris and Ben arrive, and I had not remembered how those relationships started! ::squeeble:: Also Andy and April are just about to get together. ::hearteyes::
I am still reading your journals every day, and occasionally Tumbling and Tweeting. So I'm here. I am really hoping that with a new job I will be able to devote more time to maintaining connections and nerding out.
The Rambo squirrels have left for the high ground. Robin's squirrels are mostly quiet and twitching a little and sleepy; he's telling them bedtime stories, I think. Except sometimes they wake up and rush for the old manual typewriters so they can try to recreate Hamlet. In Sciurian, which I am told is the language of American tree squirrels. Do not ask how I know this. It does not have iambic pentameter and all its end rhymes clash.
I know now that how I feel at this moment will not last. Today's pills have taken effect, same dosage as yesterday, and that makes for an easier time. Tomorrow will be a decrease, and more difficult. By afternoon the squirrels will all wake up. By evening they will be attempting to recreate a combination of The Sound of Music and Macbeth, directed by Robin, choreography by Bob Fosse and Twilah Tharp.
My life is not boring. :)
But I managed to get about seven hours of sleep last night. And I installed the new Mac OS this morning, whatever it's called, and had to reset the password I can never remember, and sort out other things.
Did I miss Yuletide signups? I looked for the webpage and can't find it.
I am seeing people's Dear Yulegoat letters in my friendslist -- this is a bit of a worry, since I don't recall seeing an announcement of signups, or a link, and the squirrels are not letting me find the link myself.